Awareness about autism has increased a lot in recent years, but there is still a lot of misunderstanding about it, and this is often shown in what people say to those with autism.
This week, we’ve brought together eight things that you really shouldn’t say to people with autism, as reported by a variety of people with autism:
Not only is this not true, but it also minimises the situation of the person with autism.
If everyone is “a bit on the spectrum” then the term “autism” loses all meaning and undermines the very idea of autism.
But more than that, it can be quite a hurtful and frustrating idea to people with autism because it trivialises the experiences and difficulties that autistic adults and children face. It implies that everyone goes through the same hardships, which, as we’ve said, undermines the life experience of anyone with autism.
It’s probably best to just retire that saying.
To be fair, when someone tells you that they have autism, it can be difficult to know how to respond, and the usual way to respond when someone tells us that they’ve got an illness or condition of some kind is with sympathy.
So responding with “I’m sorry” is a gesture with positive intent behind it.
However, responding with “I’m sorry” makes it seem like autism is a tragedy and while there are hardships that come along with autism, having attention drawn to that isn’t the most pleasant thing for a person with autism.
If someone opens up to you and tells you that they have autism, it’s probably better to thank them for trusting you with that information and move from there with open communication.
There are a few aspects to this one. On the one hand, it can send the signal that you don’t really think that the person is autistic (even if that’s not what you meant), which can be frustrating to the person living with autism. On the other hand, autism is not a physical condition that comes with a particular look.
Again, the comment seems to come loaded with a range of mistaken presuppositions about autism and people with autism. In addition to that, it’s difficult for a person with autism to not feel like they’re being put in a box of stereotypes when they’re spoken to like that.
This statement usually precedes someone about to say that they understand autism or what the autistic person is going through because of their experience with other autistic people.
In the most frustrating incidents of this kind of interaction, autistic people report that it is used to preface some claim that contradicts what the autistic person says about themself.
The problem with saying something like “I know many autistic people” or “my niece is autistic” or the like is that no two autistic people are the same. You may have a little more insight than someone who has never met another autistic person, but you still need to do the work of getting to know the individual and taking them seriously as an individual agent.
There are a whole range of similar ideas that are often repeated to people with autism. While we know that saying things like this are usually meant to be encouraging or positive in nature, they impose ideas and presuppositions onto someone with very real experiences and difficulties.
Furthermore, it also overlooks the fact that every autistic person, just like every neurotypical person, is unique with their own strengths, weaknesses and struggles. Just because you know of one person who was exceptional with autism doesn’t mean that all people of autism will be the same.
Having said that, Sir Simon Baron-Cohen, one of the world’s foremost authorities on autism, points out that there are some traits that are more prevalent in autistic people that can act as superpowers in certain circumstances. However, he is also quick to point out that the challenges that come along with having autism.
Some autistic people struggle with eye-contact and feel tremendously uncomfortable when speaking to others who they don’t know well (or in front of others or in unfamiliar circumstances). This isn’t mere shyness or even simply a form of social anxiety. Rather, it can be a debilitating effect of their autism and generate a huge amount of anxiety.
In these circumstances, challenging the person to make eye-contact or speak up breaks any trust that was there to begin with and can make the person with autism more anxious around you and even shut down.
If you know someone with autism who struggles with eye-contact or speaking up, showing some patience and compassion, and being willing to listen to their story will go a long way in building trust with them.
Imagine someone without the use of their legs being told that they should stop using that fact as an excuse. The same applies to a person with autism, and it’s deeply hurtful.
To respond to someone in this manner shows a real lack of understanding about what the other person is going through, as well as a very critical or judgemental approach to that person. Worse than that, it shows someone being unwilling to begin to acknowledge what the other person is going through.
Because of this, it’s no wonder that people with autism report this kind of statement as deeply invalidating and hostile.
There is a lot more that could be said, so please don’t take this being the only thing we think on the matter, but one useful principle to keep in mind when talking to someone with autism is to remember that – just like you – they are an individual, not a member of a homogenous group.
If you take the person’s individuality seriously and get to know them, not only will they also get to know you, but you help build the foundations for a positive, trusting relationship in which you make yourself open to take them and their experiences seriously.
The result can be truly validating for both of you.
Generally, yes, but remember that every person with autism is unique. It may come across as paternalistic if you interrupt a conversation that is operating perfectly well to ask that sort of a question. What’s important here is the framing of the question: ask if there’s anything you can do to better communicate and be open to really hear what they have to say to you.
Again, there is no single answer to this because every person is different. Some people with autism are very skilled at hiding the fact that they are feeling overwhelmed. However, a sudden increase in calming or soothing behaviour, an outburst or withdrawal can all be indications that the person is feeling overwhelmed.
Yes! We have specially trained caregivers who have experience in providing care to people with autism. Our care services for autism can be offered to young people.
We can offer care support in Bedfordshire, Gloucestershire, Hertfordshire, Northamptonshire and Oxfordshire.
Our care plans are tailored to your needs, so we can definitely be involved in helping facilitate activities for autistic adults. Although every autistic person is unique, popular activities for autistic adults include sensory-friendly activities like arts and crafts and structured activities and games that focus on cognitive puzzles.
We're here to support you every step of the way. Whether you have questions about our services or need assistance in finding the right care for your loved one, our compassionate team is ready to help.
We understand that this journey can be challenging and we're committed to providing you with the information and support you need.
