The conversation you need to have with your loved one when you realise they need care at home and can no longer look after themself without assistance is an awkward and scary one. As well as you know your loved one, you can never know exactly how they will respond and it’s a potential conflict situation. Because of that, we would like to share some insights we’ve gained over the years to help you prepare for the dreaded conversation.
As we said, you can never be certain how your loved one will respond to being told you think they need some help. If all goes well, they’ll agree with you and you can breathe a sigh of relief, but it’s also quite likely that you are met with some resistance. It’s important to know some of the most common reasons for people being resistant to the idea of care so you can be clear about how you will respond.
Some of the most common reasons for resistance include:
All of these things are completely understandable and normal, but it doesn’t change the fact that they need help. We can be understanding and compassionate while helping them see the need for a professional caregiver.
The other thing you need to have clearly sorted out in your mind is why you think care is necessary and what their needs are. It’s a good idea to discuss this with another family member or friend first to check your observations and concerns against what they’ve seen.
You might have been stepping up to help them out for a while but they now need your help more than you have capacity to give, or you and other family members might have noticed a sudden change of their health state (like falling more, developing dementia and so on) that means they now help, but that support is beyond what you can provide.
Those are just two examples, but it’s important have the situation clear in your mind. The first example is one in which domiciliary care is benefitting both you and your loved one because you are getting a load lifted as well. The second, by contrast, is targeted completely at your loved one. They need help, and you’re looking to fill the gap in with a carer.
Beyond the broader situation, you really want to be clear about the exact things that your loved one needs help with and what is making you think they need help so that you can share your concerns clearly and so you can come out of the conversation with both you and your loved one in agreement on what they need help with.
The last thing we should mention here is that it’s possible that there are serious concerns that mean that significant intervention is necessary and necessary as soon as possible. But even in that situation, understanding the situation going into the conversation is vital because it will affect the approach you take.
The most common bit of advice given in these situations is to approach it with empathy and respect, and while that is definitely important, it’s often unclear what is meant by that.
It does not mean that you shouldn’t hold your ground. Afterall, your loved one’s well-being is at stake. It’s important that they get the support they need.
But you want take their concerns seriously and really listen to what they have to say to you in return without looking to debate them into submission. That’s a recipe for disaster. Trust us.
You can be completely right, but if you try to argue them into getting care, their feelings won’t care about your facts, and you’ll find yourself wrestling with an uncomfortable conflict situation.
The trick is go in viewing the interaction as a two-way conversation and to recognise that it’s your loved one’s life that you’re going to be talking about. And that means they have to have to be listened to and their wishes respected. It also means that you can’t be patronising, and that while you can be gentle, you be truthful.
People sometimes advise that you soften the blow by saying that it helps you more than them, but it’s not a good idea to do anything that could be interpreted as you being dishonest. Of course, you can say that it’ll give you peace of mind and that you just cannot give them all the help they need if it’s true, but you have to be honest about it.
It comes down to principles of respect and good communication, really. You want to express yourself clearly, for sure, but more important than that is that you listen to them and ask questions and truly engage with what they’re saying by taking their concerns seriously.
Doing that means that that they will feel heard and gives you both the chance to come up with solutions to their concerns and together in the decision that is taken.
An important thing to bear in mind is that the situation is unlikely to be resolved in one conversation. You will probably need to have a series of conversations to help them come to terms with what you have shared with them. It also gives you the space to process what they say to you and to find appropriate home-based care providers who could step up to provide the necessary support.
You also want to avoid badgering them about it. If you come to an impasse, it’s okay to bring the conversation to a close and lower the tension and affirm your loved one. You’re then free to revisit it later. You also want to avoid making every conversation about the topic.
Be patient!
This almost goes without saying but be sure to approach the situation by emphasising that you are coming from a place of love and concern.
The prospect of losing their independence is likely a terrifying and deeply threatening thought.
Again, while you can’t lie to them, you can focus on highlighting ways that their independence is being preserved. For example, getting home-based care means that your loved one gets to live life on their terms, according to their routine which does preserve dignity and independence.
You can also commit to doing everything you can to help them maintain their quality of life and independence. In fact, you might be able to show that having a caregiver could actually improve their quality of life, especially if the care package includes an agreement to help with transport
Choose a time and situation in which both of you are relaxed and alone together without distractions.
Don’t do this at a family gathering or approach your loved one with an army of familial backup. Doing either of those things will make your loved one feel ambushed and put them on the defensive.
Rather tell them that you want to have an important conversation with them and then make sure that it takes place in a comfortable space.
You can also be vulnerable and tell them that you feel awkward about it, but that you’re coming from a place of love and compassion. From there, you can tackle the situation as a team by discussing it together.
Once you come to some decisions, even if it’s just agreeing to have your loved one talk to a home care service provider, make sure that you do your homework and follow up. Whatever you resolve to do needs to be done, sooner rather than later.
It’s also important to follow up by checking in with your loved one and asking them how they’re feeling about the way things are unfolding. They need to be involved in the process so they can feel that their life isn’t being taken away from them.
Another important follow up step is taking the conversation to other members of the family who need to know about the conversation. Depending on how well your loved one is, that might be something they want to do, but it fall to you as well. In any case, to avoid conflict with other family members, you do want to let them know as soon as possible.
Finally, make sure that you are getting advice and sharing it with your loved one. From speaking to care providers to your loved one’s health specialists, it’s important to take advice rather than shouldering the burden yourself.
That’s tough, but not insurmountable. The first thing is to stay calm. At least you’ve taken the first step.
Then you want to give them an opportunity to speak while containing the urge to respond. Really listen and ask questions so that they have a chance to be heard.
From there, you have to play it by ear: if they calm down and are engaging with you and starting to listen to you, you can continue the conversation, but if they aren’t prepared to give you a chance to talk, you might have to bring the conversation to an end and approach the topic another day.
Even if they don’t want to hear it at first, if you’ve raised the issue and heard their objections, you’ve actually made progress.
This is difficult. Look for providers who have a track record and a strong presence in your area. Read their reviews and speak to them.
It’s also worth tapping into your social network by asking friends if they’ve had any experience with care providers. Another good source of information are doctors, particularly ones that know your loved one – it doesn’t hurt to ask if they know of any good care providers.
It’s a good idea to look at a couple of different ones, though.
We operate in the UK and offer support throughout Bedfordshire, Gloucestershire, Hertfordshire, Northamptonshire and Oxfordshire.
We're here to support you every step of the way. Whether you have questions about our services or need assistance in finding the right care for your loved one, our compassionate team is ready to help.
We understand that this journey can be challenging and we're committed to providing you with the information and support you need.
